Getting Out of the Box: A Leadership Wake-Up Call for Facilitators
Ever walked into a meeting and felt the energy was off? Maybe the team seems checked out, tension lingers in the air, or collaboration feels more like a battleground. As a facilitator or leader, you might be tempted to diagnose and fix—but what if you’re part of the problem?
Enter the concept of being in the box, a powerful framework from the Arbinger Institute’s Leadership and Self-Deception. When we’re in the box, we stop seeing people as, well, people. Instead, we view them as obstacles, nuisances, or tools to get things done. And when that happens? Communication tanks, trust erodes, and teams hit a wall.
How ‘Being in the Box’ Messes with Your Team
When facilitators operate inside the box, they:
Assume they know what’s going on instead of actually listening.
Get defensive when challenged, shutting down honest conversations.
See themselves as ‘right’—and everyone else as needing to get on board.
Avoid real accountability and subtly blame the team for dysfunction.
Miss key moments to create connection and alignment.
The Four Boxes That Trap Leaders
According to Arbinger, leaders can fall into different types of self-deception boxes that limit their effectiveness:
Better-Than Box: You think you have all the answers and your team should just get on board.
Worse-Than Box: You believe you’re not good enough and second-guess everything.
Must-Be-Seen-As Box: You’re overly concerned with how you appear and avoid looking weak.
I-Deserve Box: You feel entitled to recognition or control, and resentment builds when you don’t get it.
A leader stuck in the box thinks: “This team doesn’t get it.” A leader outside the box asks: “Have I actually created the space for real conversation?”
Facilitating Like a Pro: How to Get Out of the Box
Want to break free? Start here:
Check Yourself First
Before you lead, get real with yourself. Are you feeling reactive? Judging certain team members? Recognizing these patterns helps you shift your mindset.Ditch Assumptions—Get Curious
Instead of assuming someone’s disengaged or difficult, ask: “I noticed some hesitation—what’s going on for you?” or “How can we make this conversation more useful for you?”Own Your Impact
If you model vulnerability and accountability, your team will follow. “I think I might not have explained that well—let’s revisit it together.”Balance Connection with Getting Sh*t Done
High-impact facilitators know it’s not just about results—it’s about how you get there. If a team is resisting, don’t bulldoze. Pause and say: “It feels like something’s off—what’s not being said?”Facilitate with Empowerment, Not Ego
Great leaders don’t have all the answers—they create the space for the team to find them. Instead of directing, invite: “What do you think would move us forward?”
The Game-Changer: Leading from Outside the Box
When you shift out of the box, you build trust, fuel real collaboration, and get buy-in like never before. Teams stop just showing up—they start engaging. Conflict turns into opportunity. And most importantly? People bring their full selves because they know they matter.
Next time you step into a room, ask yourself: Am I in the box, or am I actually seeing my team? That awareness alone can change the game.
If you want to level up your leadership and facilitate team conversations that actually work, let’s talk.
